Artistic Footprint

This is my response to reading the website for the upcoming book: “1000 Awesome Things” which you can locate here: http://1000awesomethings.com/

Well I have something to say to you, Mr. Author whoever the hell you are. There is NO need for your optimism here. People don’t need your sunshine smeared across their upper lip. Now go take your smiles elsewhere!

And thus, the creation of “1000 shitty things” where I list a thousand shitty things that can happen. I have no fucking idea how I’m going to find a thousand, but trust me. They’re out there. Feel free to lend a hand. And remember: PESSIMISM MEANS YOU’LL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED!

1. The feeling you get the day before you get a sore throat.
2. shitting your pants.
3. walking around in a store and feeling like all the staff think you’re a theif.
4. nightmares about missed exams.
5. being dumped.
6. being dumped on.
7. the constant reminder that there’s a a hole in your shoe and you step in a puddle.
8. hangnails.
9. ripping awesome pants.
10. biting your tongue.
11. burning your tongue.
12. hearing an ugly word.
13. talking to people when you don’t care about what they’re saying.
14. when an old person thinks they’re better than you just because they’re old.
15. George Bush.
16. reading someones writing and they can’t spell.
17. when someone steals your idea.
18. missing the bus.
19. making awesome plans outdoors and then the weather fucks with you.
20. being in traffic.
21. Every newscaster or anchorman that ever lived. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE WITH YOURSELVES?!?!
22. when your dog dies.
23. missing an opportunity for a first kiss.
24. when someone you like is taken.
25. when your computer freezes and you haven’t saved your work.
26. when your teacher cries AGAIN during her 50th reading of the last chapter of To Kill a Mockingbird.
27. People who say “like” a lot.
28. people who get everything they want.
29. clogging a toilet.
30. when you have to redo work.
31. getting fired.
32. being hung over.
33. crashing your car.
34. Sarah Palin.
35. Any US president.
36. taxes.
37. losing cash.
38. waiting in line to get into a bar.
39. being forced to tip at a bar.
40. when someone wants to fight you because they took too much testosterone supplements.
41. dudes who work out but have no use for their imbalanced muscles.
42. when you eat shit and ragdoll infront of a crowd.
43. Lindsay Lohan.
44. Pop music.
45. Parasuco / Ed Hardy.
46. Paris Hilton.
47. Reality TV.
48. McDonalds
49. commercials and advertisements.
50. brussel sprouts and asparagus.
51. people who owe you money.
52. douchebags.
53. religious fanatics.
54. when you accidentally kill someone.
55. video game addictions.
56. Wal-mart
57. losing your phone.
58. when your headphones stop working.
59. losing cash.
60. when someone forgets that they made plans to hang out with you.
61. playing the “are you interested in me” game
62. stubbing your toe.
63. getting a papercut.
64. when you wonder how someone got an awesome promotion.
65. waiting at red lights at 3am and no one is around.
66. turning homeless people away.
67. leaving the dog in the car.
68. car mechanics.
69. cell phone bills.
70. when you buy something from a company you hate (especially if you didn’t know it!)
71. Donald Trump.
72. forgetting a really good thought (literally just happened to me)
73. people who drive with their highbeams on, OR went out and bought super bright LED argon-zenon 1-billion candle-power headlights.
74. Cough syrup.
75. Getting a box of chocolates and eating a surprise I HATE YOU taste.
76. Sharting (kinda related to shitting your pants, but kinda like you can still walk around and be a member of the party… but with a turd between your buttcheeks)
77. Douchebags who blast beats in their ricer car.
78. Dudes with useless big trucks.
79. Slow or ignorant drivers.
80. Diahrrea.
81. People who have studded tires and drive in the city.
82. Bluetooth headsets that make it look like people are talking to themselves.
83. Coldsores.
84. Cleaning up after a big party.
85. Thinking something is heavier than it is and when attempting to pick it up, you hit yourself in the face.
86. Losing things that take forever to find.
87. Burnt food.
88. Not seeing optical illusions.
89. Missing your exit.
90. An itch where you can’t scratch it.
91. Hating the way you look.
92. Being really really cold.
93. When you’re in the shower and someone flushes the toilet.
94. When your tent floods in the rain.
95. When someone won’t leave you alone.
96. Getting your toenail caught in a thread of your sock.
97. Being at a party where no one knows anybody.
98. A good song turned sour because of a bad memory with an ex.
99. mosquitos.
100. shitty restaurant service and food.
101. food poisoning.
102. Spilling your Beer.
103. Buying shit that you hate immediately.
104. Running out of shit-tickets.
105. Mosquitos.
106. Shitty restaurant experiences.
107. Food Poisoning.
108. Diarrhea.
109. Telemarketters.
110. When a song comes on that’s a thousand times louder than the rest of your library and you think you may have broken your eardrums.
111. Raisins.
112. When your TV doesn’t have the same amount of buttons as your remote, and your remote doesn’t work.
113. Working at a place where they play repetetive shitty music. Especially at christmas.
114. Leeches.
115. Golf.
116. Tiger Woods.
117. Going to the department of what-the-fuck-ever to get a new health card, drivers licence, passport, etc.
118. The Toyota Echo.
119. The Pontiac Aztec.
120. The PT Cruiser.
121. Douchebags with loud mufflers (car or motorbike)
122. People who cut the tails off dogs. (that’s fucking RETARDED! tails MAKE dogs.)
123. Dog Shows.
124. Douchebags who work out for their looks and spend the entire time looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym.
125. Every telecommunications company known to man.
126. The stupid sheeths that come with hardcover books.
127. Automated phone menus.
128. Being on hold for fucked up amounts of time.
129. Tabloids, paparazzi, and people who concern themselves with such things.
130. Cafe food – starbucks, bean, tim hortons included!
131. Zits.
132. Loudmouthed bratty whiney snot-faced little shit kids who get whatever they want and whose screams RIP through the air with abhorrent selfishness.
133. Jagerbombs.
134. Nascar.
135. People that are so fucking happy that they don’t understand that sometimes you WANT to be mad.
136. Bouncers.
137. Metrosexuals.
138. Parents who don’t answer their kids’ questions.
139. Suburbia and the Urban Sprawl.
140. People who have better gear than you but don’t know how to use it. “All the Gear and no Idear”
141. Monster Truck Commentators.
142. KFC and Dairy Queen.
143. Stepping in Dog shit.
144. Getting Dog shit on your tires.
145. Cars that don’t have an AUX input – eventhough when you buy a car you should buy it because it’s a freaking CAR, not a stereo on wheels.
146. People that use freak when they mean fuck.
147. Listening to people eat.
148. Most cats.
149. That little flowerpot in the volkswagen bug.
150. The volkswagon bug.
151. Fruit pastries that have suprise chunks of real fruit in them.
152. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
153. Splinters and papercuts.
154. Hearing an ugly word.
155. Cankersores.
156. Really really obese people.
157. Feeling shitty about not giving to homeless people.
158. Twitter.
159. When the staff at Cafes play really fucking weird music.
160. Ipod hogs at a party.
161. People who make finger-signs in candid photos.
162. Missing a sneeze.
163. Shitty service.
164. Having to scratch your ass in public and having to search for endlessly for a hidden corner.
165. Keeners.
166. People who dedicate their lives to beating you at pool or foosball at a bar.
167. People who lick the corner of paper before handing it to you.
168. Having to take a shit. REAL fuckin bad.
169. Douchebags who never drink at a bar so that they can be the DD for drunk girls. (makes me want to puke)
170. UFC and MMA.
171. Oldschool christmas lights that have one or two broken lights in series.
172. Untangling a long stretch of rope.
173. When your shoelace comes untied. (how the fuck does that happen?)
174. Stubbing your toe.
175. Meryl Streep.
176. Tabloids and celebrity gossip.
177. Street cleaning machines.
178. People who don’t take care of their cars.
179. People who make a mess of bathrooms.
180. People who sport the confederate flag.
181. Suburbia and the Urban sprawl.
182. Skiers that ruin fresh pow with their stupid s-turns.
183. Bar washrooms on a busy night.
184. “dj”s that use laptops.
185. Kid rock.
186. Any and all pharmaceutical, telecommunications, and weaponry corporation.
187. People who put their kids on leashes.
188. Kids with no pain tolerance.
189. People with no life or street skills.
190. Speed bumps.
191. When your dog dies.
192. Puck bunnies.
193. Highschool jokeys.
194. Shopping malls.
195. Chicks that spend all their free time in shopping malls.
196. Green day, the pussycat dolls, hot hot heat.
197. Straight to DVD movies.
198. Dudes that slap your ass and then don’t say “good game”
199. People with HUGE fingernails, fake or real.
200. Being a kid and getting scared by big people.
201. Phone books.
202. The Olympics.
203. Douchebags with hot girlfriends.
204. Getting a hollow easter bunny. – what the fuck?
205. People who have albums upon albums of stupid fucking clubbing photos on facebook.
206. Telling a joke or story that is neither funny nor entertaining.
207. Vegans.
208. People who talk through movies and shows.
209. Border Guards.
210. People that can’t take a fucking joke.
211. Dropping the Ball.
212. Bottled Water.
213. Gettin yer truck stuck.
214. People that hang out infront of the bar for no reason while you’re trying to score some booze.
215. People who take too fucking long to lose at pool.
216. Lady Gaga.
217. Accidentally making eye contact with the brown eye/balloon knot or awkwardly exposed genetalia of a domesticated animal.
218. Knockout, Sudden Death, MMA, UFC, or any other commercialized bar fight.
219. Lenny Kravitz.
220. Potholes and washboard.
221. Speed traps.
     Store bought native art.
222. Dropping your ice cream.
223. Smoking.
224. Hockey players that lose their stick mid-play.
225. Easy Listening.
226. Parking Tickets.
227. Amanda Marshall
228. Eddy Murhpy’s reformed political correctness. What a sellout.
229. Saun Paul.
230. Moms that sanitize the lives of their offspring.
231. When the commercials are over and they cut back to your favourite show only to see the credits.
232. Lady Gaga.
233. Getting a surprise dribble after you pee.
234. Undisciplined or untrained dogs.
235. When you run out of ice cubes. Why don’t they make ice fast enough?
236. Leaving a fallen soldier behind.
237. Figuring out a bill and or tipping.
238. People who ask to borrow odd things like your toothbrush.
239. Dudes who trump shotgun for their girlfriends
240. When they price things like 5.99 or 15.95. ROUND THE FUCK UP
241. Elevator and Hold music
242. Karaoke
243. Bird shit.
244. Waiting for a store to open
245. Watching soccer and basketball players fake injuries.
246. Bad ref calls
247. Climate change.
248. Asking your parents for money.
249. Forgetting what you were looking for.
250. When you’re in the shower and someone flushes the toilet.
251. Getting stuff caught between your tooth and gum and exhausting your tongue trying to get it out.
252. Justin Bieber.
253. People who use their cell-phone cameras exclusively and think that the photo is awesome and they should print it out or send it in somewhere.
254. Hardcore bible-camps.
255. Getting splashback on the toilet.
256. Having to shit really bad at an extremely inconvenient time.
257. Pre-meditated one-liners.
258. When the socks fall down around your toes in your rubber boots.
259. Having nails too long.
260. Clogging a toilet.
261. When you write a big message or essay and then your thoughts DISAPPEAR when you press the wrong button or your computer crashes.
262. Bands that use a synthesizer to fill the place of what should be an instrument.
263. Double-flushing.
264. Bad teachers.
265. Spoiling a suprise.
266. Reacting to a surprise in a way that could be seen as negative.
267. Remembering past memories of how you handled things poorly or just… were an asshole.
268. realising you’re an asshole.
269. Being on the receiving end of a dynamite bum or dutch oven.
270. Watching someone train wreck themselves while public speaking.
271. Being that fucking trainwreck on stage
272. When the eraser on your pencil dies.
273. When your pen is full of ink but won’t write.
274. People that put their gum under tables.
275. People that spit their chew into clear water bottles for you to look at and grimace.
276. Daft punk when you’re NOT fucked up on acid (which is all the time)
277. When they drop prices of stuff by like 10 cents.
278. “New and improved! New look! Cellphone pockets RULE!”
279. Breaking a zipper or popping buttons.
280. Coin-operated binoculars.
281. Places that charge you to use things like gravity.
282. People that spell “tire” with a “y”
283. Eyeing up that last piece of bread or chip that everyone’s too polite to eat.
284. Restaurant party-favour washout musicians.
285. Flying solo.
286. Running out of shit tickets.
287. Being a sardine in a car on a really long roadtrip.
288. Getting car/sea-sick
289. “Ever played 52 pick-up?”
290. Oldschool remixes.
291. “Hey look at you! you’ve got your hands in the air” – just like the pop star told you to.
292. People that make a big deal and get stressed out over trivial things
293. Burning your tongue on the first bite of an awesome meal.
294. Bending your fingernail backwards.
295. When people say “former” or “latter” – what the fuck does that even MEAN???
296. Thinking of a comeback when its now out of context or too late.
297. Having something on the tip of your tongue.
298. People who steal things like cameras or wallets and don’t have the decency to leave you the memory card or I.D.
299. Forgetting what you wanted to say.
300. Realising that your list of shitty things is double than your list of awesome things.
301. Fox network
302. Meeting a chick that could take you out
303. Daytime tv
304. Broken headphone jacks
305. Paying for porn
306. Black licorice
307. Elijah wood
308. Pressing the TRY ME button on a cheap useless gift and it goes on and on forever
309. Pizza places that don’t open til 4
310. “Tonights gonna be a good night”
311. Not real hot springs
312. Herding cats
313. Neat freaks
314. People that message you on facebook when you’re right beside them
315. Wobbly restaurant tables
316. Richard gere
317. Subungeal hematomas
318. Double parking nazis
319. Appetizers, starters, and entrees. Wtf?
320. Ugly word: squelch
321. Losing your luggage
322. Black licorice candies that come with your restaurant bill.
323. Slow internet
324. People that give you a bag to put your bagged products in
325. The crumbs at the bottom of a chip or popcorn bag
326. Light beer
327. Junk mail
328. Old man strength
329. “Back to school”
330. When you or someone else leaves your ipod running for no reason and you come back to a dead battery
331. Forgetting a really awesome dream or having it interrupted
332. People that line up in inexcusably lon lines for shit like a new iphone.
333. Bird shit
334. Stripped or seized bolts
335. Paul bremer
336. Breaking a headphone jack
337. Being at the whims of someone else
338. Car alarms
339. Beatboxers
340. Wedgies
341. Shitting in public washrooms
342. Shitty restaurant happy birthday songs.
343. Laughtracks
344. People who put empty shit back in the fridge
345. Selective vegetarians
346. Losing
347. Wobbly tables
348. Walking into a department store themed with the upcoming holiday
349. Pre-ripped jeans
350. Health product “technology”
351. Places that ask for tips on their debit machines that never would deserve a tip
352. Dudes that show off naked pictures of their girlfriends
353. Missing your sneeze
354. Forgetting someones name
355. When your train of thought moves at a different speed to your actions
356. People that say “god bless you”
     

Ok so thats 355.  We’re gettin there! so TAKE THAT Mr. …. smileypants.

if you’ve managed to read this list without feeling depressed then well… mission failed, I hope your day is really shitty.

for the rest of you: leave a comment! which one is your favourite?! what’s a shitty thing that happened to YOU? it’s ok to cry. let it all out. gimme the story.

IF this is the exact opposite of what you wanted, you might be able to find my growing list of 1000 awesome things HERE: