Artistic Footprint

Fuck if you’re looking for someone with no direction, I’m it. So instead I’ve set a few modest goals that I could complete in order to consider my life a success:

1. Paint a room-sized canvas
2. Eat a turducken
3. Tackle a yoga instructor at work
4. Talk in ass with Jim Carrey
5. Befriend a vicious wild animal
6. Redefine the word orgy
7. Live in a plaid canadian tuxedo
8. Be a kazoo master and play it before an audience of 30,000+
9. Put a tattoo of the entire royal family on my ass
10. Convince a monkey to be my accomplice in arms
11. Experience the pain of a brazilian wax
12. Become a jedi master
13. Win a staring contest with an ancient mongolian statue
14. Using a fake identity, become a member of the pussycat dolls and then assassinate all members
15. Invent a new punctuation mark
16. Defeat a mime at mimicking
17. Resolve a hostage takeover
18. Save the world from an alien invastion
19. Rescue a kitten from a tree with several attractive female onlookers
20. Catch my prey with my teeth
21. Crush Chuck Norris
22. Stop a heart and then restart it
23. Make a dish that makes people cry
24. Find an unseen colour
25. Go to outter space
26. Fart in a severely sobering moment in the international criminal court
27. Open a door with my mind
28. Defeat a sumo wrestler
29. Live life like Peter Griffin for a week
30. Punch George Bush in the face
31. Defeat John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever in a DanceOff
32. Make Jet Li shit his pants
33. Get in a HUGE dukes of Hazzard style bar brawl
34. Reenact the entire plot from Fear and Loathing
35. Have sex to an entire Barry White Album
36. Smack the reality in someone
37. Live in a trailer park
38. Have a politically incorrect, AND a moustach party
39. Be stupid enough in a bar to warrent being kicked out, eventhough they don’t have bouncers
40. Grow a Mullet
41. Become one with nature
42. Go to OUTTER space
43. circle the globe
44. Upper deck the entire house of my archnemesis
45. Spend a year in total solitude to understand the sound of silence
46. Find Myself
47. Touch the sky
48. Die Laughing.
49. Drive a 1968 Ford Mustang GT500 fastback on unregulated asphalt
50. Shoot the shit with Nelson Mandela
51. Beat 1960′s Clint Eastwood in a Quickdraw
52. Climb the peak of an unconquered mountain
53. Block a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris – I’m sure there’s a loophole somewhere in this legendary position chuck’s got
54. Buy the Queen a lapdance.
55. Be a mob boss with a pawn shop, restaurant, and /or fish market front.
56. Have my face on the million dollar bill.
57. Start my own religion. – seems to be a hot trend these days!
58. Survive a mass suicide.
59. Rejoice to the laughter of a small child.
60. Go to a hotel room and blow thousands on first-class room service
61. Using my yardworker’s physique, attract a rich dude’s trophy wife and seduce her poolside.
62. Be a very uniquely talented busker.
63. Cuddle with a panther.
64. Be in a mexican standoff.
65. Survive a bullrush.
66. Hang from a chandelier.
67. Ride a giant banister and make it an Olympic sport.
68. Trash an entire mansion.
69. Host a jib comp in a shopping mall.
70. Host my own real murder mystery.
71. Shit my pants out of sheer excitement.
72. Learn how to speak jive.
73. Tell Samual Jackson to go fuck himself and live to tell the tale.
74. Beat Kevin Spacey in a chess match.
75. Get lost in a jungle with a damsel in distress, get really high in an abandonned warplane, and slay a snake with my machette just like Michael Douglas in Romance in the Stone.
76. Save a species from Extinction.
77. Run my own INconvenience store.
78. Play hide and seek using the planet as the playing field.
79. Drown Donald Trump in his own toupee.
80. Live in a giant lair and have meetings with my evil executives.
81. Make a pill that cures ignorance.
82. Lean. Literally LEAN on a car horn for a significantly prolonged amount of time at some douchebag who pulled a dick move on the road
83. Sway a hooker into having sexual intercourse at her own will for no reimbursement.
84. Get my “wings” and then consider handing them in because I’m too close to the edge.
85. Break the habit of looking into the toilet after I poop. – I mean I know it’s great to check up on how your eating habits affect your health but… what if you compiled all the images from birth and remembered them with intricate detail?
86. Have sex while wearing a wig or costume.
87. Race someone in reverse.
88. Drunk drive an elephant.
89. Win a slush cup.
90. Have sex to a barry white album.
91. Go to ludicrous speed.
92. Survive jurassic park
93. Be on a first name basis with david attenborough
94. See a wild polar bear before it goes extinct
95. Skateboard a vehicle
96. Ride the worlds largest slip and slide
97. Be the dos equis man
98. Show up to a really great party in a ride-on lawn mower
99. Headbang to james maynard keenan until I’m concussed
100. Put all the bibles in the fiction section of chapters
101. Hoist a jolly roger at a funeral
102. Catch a frisbee with my teeth
103. Watch a porno like its a sports game
104. Go to ludicrous speed
105. Win a Trundling contest.
106. Fish the salmon run
107. Aquadump my way to fecal success
108. Sell atheism to a door-to-door jehova’s witness
109. Ride the north shore
110. Drive every highway of bc
111. Experience symbiosis – symbiosis IS altruism!
112. Have a room full or matresses beside an outdoor deck balcony
113. Throw a bottle of moonshine at a lava slide
114. Watch the spaceshuttle take off
115. Be a parkour master
116. Be out cold
117. Watch robin williams live
118. Catch a ball at an NBA game
119. Shoot full auto wearing a beer helmet while smokin a doobie
120. Lie in bed ALL day with my girlfriend
121. Own an island
122. Understand the song “scared” by the tragically hip.
123. Figure out what the hell noell gallagher is saying
124. Send a piece of technology to the past
125. Drink wine with Oprah
126. Conduct business whilst late night lunging down a darkened side street
127. Host a murder mystery
128. Dutch oven the queen
129. Drop something in a monkey cage and have a monkey give it back.
130. Touch the point of no return
131. Get knighted
132. Be a venture communist
133. Decorate a Palm Tree for christmas
134. Be an extreme flutist
135. Invent a new common condiment
136. Design a heads up display for the human brain
137. Poke a corpse with a stick
138. Earn the prefix “hajji” to my name
139. Earn enough notoreity to permit a potential murder to be deemed “assassination”
140. Carry the weight of a dying mans last words
141. Confuse as many ppl as I can with double negatives

Run someone over in a car to gain points.Of course none of these involve further education or the compilation of life skills, But it’d be fucking cool. So we’re 0.081% to 1000. Someday. Dream Big!

Donations:

Kelsey Pollock:

1. Have a star-trek themed wedding
2. Party Naked with John Stamos
3. Have a Pet Monkey
4. Be a Swinger
5. Give Michael Moore a Rimjob after a run.

Over the years I have grown a list of quotes that I either live by, or just think that someone should live by. Literally grown. There’s a bulbous lump the size of a toothbrush and the texture of an orange peel on the inside of my thigh. It chafes. This is the best of. I hope to give credit where credit is due, but I accidentally forgot to write down where I got these from so…. “oops I’m sorry?”

1. “Weapon, Kit, Self” – Canadian Army
2. “Go for it now. The future is promised to no-one” – Che Guevera
3. “Unless we change the direction we’re heading, we might end up where we’re going”
4. “I’m going to live my life for the children I’m never going to be able to have…”
5. “I’m a monogamous man. I just haven’t found her yet”
6. “This is for the statisticians… The ones with the real answers”
7. “Reward your mind at the expense of your body” – Me
8. “2012 is an inside job”
9. “Nothing is fact. Everything is interpretation” – Me
10. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first” – Mark Twain
11. “Your career in fire will be a constant evaluation of how much you try” – James Morgan
12. “Religion is Flawed, but only because man is flawed” – script from Angels and Demons
13. “It takes more courage to build than to destroy” – Jimmy Wales
14. “You won’t get something right until you’ve gotten it wrong” – CSPS patroller
15. “So Long as you get time to soberly reflect on your alcoholism, you’re not an alcoholic” – Me
16. “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted”
17. “The only thing necessary for evil to prevail is good men to do nothing”
18. “I hope they don’t find oil here. Then we’d be REAL fucked” – Cast from Blood Diamond regarding famine and genocide.
19. “Ice cream is like pizza or sex. There CAN be bad ice cream, pizza, or sex, but it’s still ice cream, pizza, or sex.” – Katie Lewis
20. “Faith is caught, not taught”
21. “Find ‘em hot, Leave ‘em wet. Put the wet stuff on the red stuff”
22. “Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst” – Me
23. “Just because you spray water doesn’t mean you walk on it”
24. “Nature is nothing without purpose” – Aristotle
25. “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get” – Carl Hayden
26. “True merit is like a river. The deeper it is the less noise it makes.” – Lord Halifax
27. “There’s no sex in the champagne room” – Chris Rock
28. “You can only work as fast as you can” – Head chef at Roger Fish, Neutral Bay, Australia
29. “The mans obligation is to stick is boneration in the woman’s separation” – Kelsey Pollock
30. “Nobody ever gave it their best and regretted it” – George Halas
31. “The world is no larger than the range of their bullets” – Me.
32. “The word ‘modern’ first appeared in the English language toward the end of the 16th century. In the beginning with it meant little more than being of the present time, but slowly it came to carry a sense of novelty. ‘Modern’ meant something that had never existed before. The idea was conceived that the future would be different from the past. This idea itself was new.” – John Hest
33. “If you’re gonna be whipped, Pussy’s not a bad thing to be whipped by.” – Don Fox.
34. “Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself in the eyes of others.” – Ellen Degeneres.
35. “Sometimes you’re the windsheild, sometimes you’re the bug” – Dire Straits.
36. “Community Service don’t sell records.” – DVS (Detroit Velvet Smooth)
37. “I Smell Burnt Toast.”
38. “The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat.” – Lee St. Arnault
39. “When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.” – Richard Dawkins
40. Smile
    A smile costs nothing, but it gives much. It enriches those who receive, without making the poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give. – Unknown
41. “Everest exposes who you are and what your character is, and that’s not always a pretty thing.”"The reality may be that you may not be able to save somebody, but even if you do nothing else but sit down with them in their last moments and they have something to tell you, that’s not a small thing, and eventhough I may not be able to lift them up and carry them over my shoulders, I think you still have that obligation, that human connection.” – Beck Weathers, miracle survivor who literally awoke from a hypothermic coma after spending 8 hours above 8000m, and climbed down to be with his children again.
42. Getting to the top is optional, but getting back down is compulsory” – Everest Climber
43. “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
    Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing?
    Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing?
    Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing?
    Then why call him God?”-Epicurus
44. Blasphemy is a victimless crime
45. “I reject your reality, and substitute my own!” – Adam Savage
46. “Don’t be a baked potatoe” – post-it note beside a fire shelter.
47. “Don’t cut your foot off”
48. “A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood” – General Patton
49. “Function over fashion, Quality over Quantity” – Me
50. “I’ve never brought a transvestite home with me” … “Define ‘home with me’ ” – I’ve never game
51. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. – Andre Gide
52. “You can go and get your appetite anywhere, so long as you get your appetite at home” – Alex Morrissey
53. “There ain’t no place just like this place anywhere near this place, so this must be the place” – smalltown storefront from Yellowstone in the 1960′s.
54. “Everything you can imagine is real” – Pablo Picasso
55. “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission”
56. “Confidence comes from the confidence with your flaws” – Me
57. “Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. No one is entitled to their own facts” – Me.
58. “I do not intend to tiptoe through life only to end up safely at death.”
59. “Many would call me an adventurer, but I am… I am a different kind of adventurer… One that risks his life for the truth” – Che.
60. “Quit using my name to justify your decisions” “Don’t make me come down there” – God.
61. “DON’T FUCK UP” – James Bergen (in the doorway, 1500 ft up)
62. “You gotta have the DRIVE, the Talent, and the FOCUS!!! – AND you Can’t FUCK UP!” – James Bergen.
63. “On the bus off the bus” “Hurry up and wait” “If you’re not 5 minutes early, you’re 10 minutes late” – Army sayings.
64. “Death is inevitable – Life is up to you” – Me.
65. You can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them
66. to Love is to be unable to be without
67. Everywhere civilisation goes, wilderness backs away
68. You can’t trust yourself 3 days ago so always pack ready
69. Get two birds stoned at once – ricky
70. Roll out with your pole out jam out with your clam out
71. Favourite last words: “you guys listen to country?”
72. Even if you do come up with the meaning of life, its only relative to you
73. Fear is the place where we are our strongest and our weakest
74. “All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.” – Te lawrence
75. Would you patent the sun? – dr. Salks
76. GNP measures everything except that which makes worthwhile – robert kennedy
77. Man is always down for sex – except during he playoffs. But women get hotter during that time anyways
78. Tao: undefinable to nonparticipants
79. Pablo Picasso: (on computers): for me, they are basically useless because all they can do is provide solutions. What we need are people who can ask the right questions”
80. “Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” – Col. David H. Hackworth
81. “It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” ~ Henry Rollins
82. People cry not because they’re weak but because they’ve been strong for too long.
83. “Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery – celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from – it’s where you take them to.”
    — Jim Jarmusch
84. “Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity

Please hook me up with what you’ve heard or made up. This is the spot.

So I decided to counterract the comical pessimism (or Juvenalian satire for you linguists) with this here List of 1000 Awesome Things.

I must admit that I feel quite uncomfortable with this conformity to the norm, but know this: the interesting thing I noticed in writing the Shitty things and Awesome things is that I was happy doing both. I laughed to myself as I noticed the bad as well as the good, and in doing so it seemed important to verbalize each point to recognize it’s importance.

Without further ado, here it is (in no particular order):

1. Getting drunk before a flight.
2. Having a beer in the shower.
3. Beer in general.
4. Popping bubble wrap.
5. Killing a pesky bug.
6. Waking up in a pool of drool.
7. Snowboarding.
8. Sex.
9. Lucid Dreams.
10. Hanging out with people that let you be yourself.
11. Big Dumps (powder snow)
12. Lying in a heap of clothes that just came out of the dryer.
13. Hammering nails into wood.
14. The smell of cedar.
15. Thunderstorms
16. Heavy Rain
17. Campfires.
18. Thai Food.
19. Mountaintops.
20. Ice cold water when you’re really thirsty.
21. Jumping into water at the perfect temperature.
22. Going over hills really fast.
23. Being on a flight and having 3 seats to yourself (only happened to me once)
24. Really good fucking guitar solos.
25. Flying in little airplanes.
26. Being so fucking happy that you feel giddy inside.
27. The tired and tingly feeling you get after a long hard day of work.
28. Breaking conversation to listen to a good part of a song.
29. Chuck Norris.
30. drinking and painting.
31. When you know someone loves you but they never say it.
32. When you know your life will never fail because a good friend won’t let that happen.
33. The feel of a PINT glass in your hand.
34. Lesbians.
35. Watchin the game and drinkin Beers.
36. Having a skilled Wingman.
37. Waking up in the morning beside a REALLY awesome chick.
38. Taking a sick day.
39. Watching everyone else go to work while you are out having fun.
40. Intimidating high school bratty kids.
41. Pipe Cleaners.
42. Windchimes.
43. Dogs.
44. Sex in the morning.
45. A self-induced, spontaneous laugh.
46. Hockey Night in Canada.
47. Ted.com.
48. Picking out a Huge Booger.
49. Egg Nog.
50. Pull through parking spots.
51. Farting when no one else is around.
52. The feel of a cold beer on ice in your hand.
53. Working on your car or anything mechanical.
54. Snow.
55. Catching someone picking their nose.
56. Moustaches
57. Turning up the volume on Van Halen.
58. Top Gun.
59. Huge unnecessary explosions in action movies.
60. Getting mail you actually want!
61. Cars with character.
62. Sex in hotel rooms.
63. Parties in hotel rooms.
64. Hour showers in hotel rooms.
65. Any hot tub in a mountain village.
66. Being an English speaking white male.
67. Being in the fucking zone.
68. Crazy drunken stories.
69. Fulfilling a stereotype that you do not posess.
70. Beer from the east.
71. Porn (including snowboard, biking, and surfing videos)
72. Being drunk enough to beat any fucker at pool.
73. Rebecca Romain Stamos.
74. Kate Bosworth
75. Kate Beckinsale.
76. Rachel McAdams.
77. Getting that picture that you know no-one else can get.
78. Street meet and pizza.
79. Shredding the Gnar.
80. Beer and Steak.
81. Massages.
82. Chicks that shred.
83. Watching people walk home with bags of shit tickets under their arms.
84. Drunken Irish dancing with friends.
85. Leashless dog parks.
86. Warm Cookies.
87. Garlic.
88. Scaring little children.
89. Hockey highlights.
90. Closing out a bar.
91. Fresh baked bread.
92. Having a trusty steed.
93. Laughing till you cry.
94. 24s of bottled buck-a-beer.
95. Buying Beer in Ontario.
96. Surf n’ Turf.
97. Mullets.
98. Women with Mullets.
99. Bob and Doug Mackenzie.
100. Fresh Asphalt.
101. Bacon.
102. Spooning.
103. Thwarting Someone’s evil Scheme.
104. Being on the Fucking Ball.
105. Switching from stinky board boots to cool, fresh skateshoes.
106. Shooting the moon in hearts.
107. Samuel Jackson, Bruce Willis, and Bennicio Del Torro.
108. Shorthanded goals.
109. Tumbleweeds.
110. Scars.
111. Calling in sick the day after st, Paddy’s day.
112. Cooking a chicken with a beer can shoved up its ass.
113. Getting paid to shit, eat, or sleep.
114. Drive-in Movie theatres.
115. Wiping snot on the thumb of your glove.
116. Peanut butter and Chocolate.
117. Watching birds walk.
118. Cans of beer that say 8 pack right on the rim.
119. Sleeping in the sun with your hat over your face.
120. Taking the Stairs.
121. Sittin in the back of the bus.
122. Chicks that drive jeeps.
123. Snatching free wireless.
124. Getting in a car through a window.
125. The feel of new shoes.
126. home-cooked meals from mom.
127. A Pile of shoes in the doorway of a really great party.
128. Wreck Beach in Vancouver.
129. The Royal Tyrell Museum in Drumheller, Ab.
130. Having your beer cooled by Mother Earth.
131. Pulling into a crowded place as cliche as possible.
132. Restaurants that require an intricate procedure to order the best menu item.
133. Fireflies.
134. Chinese fire drills.
135. Muffin tops.
136. Skipping school.
137. Finding things you’ve been looking for, for a long time.
138. glitches in the english language that require you to repeat the last word you wrote (see above)
139. Beer league.
140. Moomoos.
141. Whoopi Cushions.
142. Reading through an old birthday card and finding 20 bucks.
143. Getting to leave school for any reason including being sick.
144. A real successful hand-fart
145. Giving a dynamite bum or dutch ovening someone.
146. Hairnation rock.
147. Being cozy and warm in a cold and wet place.
148. Cops that let you off the hook.
149. Vengeance.
150. Old people that still make out.
151. Roadtrips.
152. Taking flowers from a first-date’s garden and then pretending you went to the effort of buying them yourself.
153. Moms and Grandmas that go to their kids’ gigs.
154. Asserting dominance with flatulence.
155. TSN top 10
156. Red green
157. Forts and treehouses
158. Skicutting your own avalanche
159. Medieval times
160. The sound of ice cubes in a glass or a glass filling up
161. Anything with bbc and david attenborough
162. Driving barefoot
163. Kristen bell
164. Soundtracks to a massacre
165. Resting up after some great first aid
166. Watching thunderstorms
167. A real pint glass
168. Patio lanterns
169. Going straight to the front of the line of douchebag tourists at a bar you’re a local at
170. Drinking beer while cooking
171. Going for ice cream
172. Sex in cars
173. Hammocks
174. Sunroofs
175. Trailerpark drama
176. Community gardens
177. T-tops, muscle cars, el caminos
178. Eatin dinner on the front porch
179. Climbing trees
180. Kool aid
181. Barack Obama
182. Good old fashioned vandalism
183. Steven colbert; if you’re smart enough to not believe anything he says
184. Washing puppies
185. Ellen page
186. Forest service roads
187. Holy shit handles
188. Evan rachel wood
189. Grilled cheese with REAL cheese
190. Kick me signs
191. Pilly cubes
192. Finding a great spot to pop your bottle on a table
193. Playin it sandlot style
194. Acoustic Guitar in a thunderstorm
     

What makes YOU feel good?