Artistic Footprint

Idiot Drivers, this is for you.

You may be asking yourself  “well… how do I know if I’m an idiot driver?” well I’ve put a lot of research into this study, and boy do I have an answer for you.

The John Smith or Jane Doe:

We’ll start it off nice and simple. Most likely, you live in an urban setting. You’re likely a 9-5er, and you pretty much only drive on one route because you like routine, eventhough another way might be faster or more efficient, but you never thought of that. You probably ACED your drivers exam because you’re a keener like that, but of course your lack of intellect turned you into a monotonous operator with a 2 second memory buffer-zone. You’re comfortable changing lanes without signalling, but when you DO remember to warn others of your intentions, you are completely oblivious to the fact that your blinker needs to be turned off as well. But that’s ok. Your dashboard consists of a few minor things. a switch for your wiper, a knob for your radio (not to be confused with the superHUGE knob that makes the car turn), and of course a brake and throttle. All of these dials, switches, knobs, and buttons feel really good when you play with them randomly. You’ve probably got a pet fish at home, and you like the cell-phone commercials because you think they relate to you. You listen to hit pop music on the radio, but you have no idea how an engine works. “step on pedal, car go fast!” (fast of course being no more than the speed limit, because you stand for the law and enjoy getting in the way of people who like to live life for themselves) In fact you rarely think for yourself, you just stay between the white flashing lines and even speak to roadsigns, often with an upwards inflection. You’re the kind of person that enjoys their rushour commute and don’t mind being a sardine in a sandbox, squeaking by in civilization. Your driving skills clearly reflect your social skills and grasp of the norm. You’ve always dreamt of travel and adventure but quickly you turn on the TV to make them go away.

You MAY also fall into one of these special categories.

The Pickup Driver:

(two subcategories): You’re from the country and have no business or experience for that matter, driving in the city. But you still drive like it’s the outback, and the highway is just another dirt road with no one on it. wanna change lanes? go ahead. Don’t worry about that person on your corner, you couldn’t see him if you wanted to. Yea. You change your oil and do all your own repairs, because that’s what a real man does. Which is probably why your truck is a clunker and throws out thick black smoke instead of accelerating. Your carbureted rustbucket is “great” for climbing hills and towing big loads. You’re the kind of person who shits in a public toilet and doesn’t flush, not because you’re an asshole, you just shit like you drive your truck.

OR, you’ve got some family roots tied to the lovely province of Alberta (which is a bit of a paradox because Alberta has one family tree: a stump) and you’ve just cashed in on your dream truck. A ford F-350 that you paid double for so you could turn it into something from Monster Truck Madness (barely street legal). Oh wait that’s not cash, that’s financing with a downpayment from your oil rig wages, a mirror-image of the province’s financial fuckups. Make a turn on a highway at more than 100km/h and your truck will flip off the road, but you don’t care, its insured. And of course when you’ve got a truck like that, it’s almost illegal for it to be clean. You boast how innefficient your 7.1L V10, rear wheel drive monster by smashing head first into a lake of mud and slap on a pair of truck-balls on the hitch. You replace those huge tires annually from all of those fast-food parking lot burnouts, and assume that you’ve got fantastic control in rain, mud, or snow eventhough you don’t. You can’t put two and two together; no weight in the back means no fucking traction, idiot! You’ve got a 70% chance of owning a Harley, Boat, or Camper, and a 90% change of having a gun rack and a shotgun. You’re a good person though. You go to church every sunday and are close with your family. You’re a republican, eventhough you don’t know what that means, don’t have a passport, and love war movies. After a long day of drinkin, muddin, and shootin stuff you come home to your loyal bud light and KFC family pack to watch football.

The Ricer:

This one’s a real hoot. Your computer skills are at par with your video-gaming, and are likely in school for IT. Your small stature is the opposite of your attitude, and your girlfriend is always riding shotgun with her IQ surgically removed. Her timidness and high-pitched voice is a blatant annoyance to everyone but you think its hot because you like control. You practically live in your car and drive it all night for fun. But enough about you, lets get into that car… fuck ford or GM, this is a most likely a honda civic, toyota celica, or subaru WRX. If you’re driving a hot Nissan ZX3 or something, then you either own your own IT firm or are part of an asian mafia. But shit it’s not a honda anymore. This car has been ripped apart to the frame and put back together again with somewhere close to a million dollars worth of upgrades. 25″ rims with 26″ tires, practically no suspension, and a skirt that is inches from the asphalt, resulting in your car being allergic to speedbumps. Speed for you is a necessity. Other drivers on the road are just pylons in your way and you scower the streets looking for someone to race for cash or girfriends. You added a new muffler not for the performance but because you like the sound it makes. In fact you like it so much that you want the whole world to hear it, but of course then no one can hear that over those new subwoofers. CLEARLY you have the best taste in music and blast Lil’ Wayne or Soulja Boy through town so that everyone can enjoy it! how nice of you. The amp is so powerful that the hinge on your trunk is threatening to go stellar and your license plate is vibrating off. You speak in L33T (which is like digital jibberish) when you text your friends to meet you at the movie theatre or to show up at your next Final Fantasy XIII gaming night.

Or then you could be a bald, white, wife-beating nobody who drives a purple dodge neon that’s actually like… 7 dodge neons (all of different colours) put together. All you could afford was a muffler and a second-hand spoiler that looks like it came from the NHRA’s Funny Car drag races which you bolted to the trunk yourself. You think you’re hot shit, but really those people are all laughing at you. Actually there’s not much else to say about you. You have no friends and no body likes you or your ugly car.

The scary thing I find out this little study of mine is that it’s far more real than I’d like to admit. Perhaps I’m not cut out for the city, but these are ROADS. A car is a human’s arch-nemesis, and we don’t mix well. Why do we go and make the worlds most dangerous method of travel MORE dangerous by driving like a bunch of assholes? How is it possible that upgrading your car to dangerous levels is legal? why are people so ignorant when they drive? I drive a LOT, and I’m sure a lot of you do too. But from what I see? How you Drive is a perfect example of the person you really are. You’re either a bitch or you’re an asshole, you’re stupid or you’re ignorant. But at least maybe this post will promote a little awareness.