The Endless Pursuit of Awesomeness.

1000 Things to do with my life.

Fuck if you’re looking for someone with no direction, I’m it. So instead I’ve set a few modest goals that I could complete in order to consider my life a success:

  1. Paint a room-sized canvas
  2. Eat a turducken
  3. Tackle a yoga instructor at work
  4. Talk in ass with Jim Carrey
  5. Befriend a vicious wild animal
  6. Redefine the word orgy
  7. Live in a plaid canadian tuxedo
  8. Be a kazoo master and play it before an audience of 30,000+
  9. Put a tattoo of the entire royal family on my ass
  10. Convince a monkey to be my accomplice in arms
  11. Experience the pain of a brazilian wax
  12. Become a jedi master
  13. Win a staring contest with an ancient mongolian statue
  14. Using a fake identity, become a member of the pussycat dolls and then assassinate all members
  15. Invent a new punctuation mark
  16. Defeat a mime at mimicking
  17. Resolve a hostage takeover
  18. Save the world from an alien invastion
  19. Rescue a kitten from a tree with several attractive female onlookers
  20. Catch my prey with my teeth
  21. Crush Chuck Norris
  22. Stop a heart and then restart it
  23. Make a dish that makes people cry
  24. Find an unseen colour
  25. Go to outter space
  26. Fart in a severely sobering moment in the international criminal court
  27. Open a door with my mind
  28. Defeat a sumo wrestler
  29. Live life like Peter Griffin for a week
  30. Punch George Bush in the face
  31. Defeat John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever in a DanceOff
  32. Make Jet Li shit his pants
  33. Get in a HUGE dukes of Hazzard style bar brawl
  34. Reenact the entire plot from Fear and Loathing
  35. Have sex to an entire Barry White Album
  36. Smack the reality in someone
  37. Live in a trailer park
  38. Have a politically incorrect, AND a moustach party
  39. Be stupid enough in a bar to warrent being kicked out, eventhough they don’t have bouncers
  40. Grow a Mullet
  41. Become one with nature
  42. Go to OUTTER space
  43. circle the globe
  44. Upper deck the entire house of my archnemesis
  45. Spend a year in total solitude to understand the sound of silence
  46. Find Myself
  47. Touch the sky
  48. Die Laughing.
  49. Drive a 1968 Ford Mustang GT500 fastback on unregulated asphalt
  50. Shoot the shit with Nelson Mandela
  51. Beat 1960’s Clint Eastwood in a Quickdraw
  52. Climb the peak of an unconquered mountain
  53. Block a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris – I’m sure there’s a loophole somewhere in this legendary position chuck’s got
  54. Buy the Queen a lapdance.
  55. Be a mob boss with a pawn shop, restaurant, and /or fish market front.
  56. Have my face on the million dollar bill.
  57. Start my own religion. – seems to be a hot trend these days!
  58. Survive a mass suicide.
  59. Rejoice to the laughter of a small child.
  60. Go to a hotel room and blow thousands on first-class room service
  61. Using my yardworker’s physique, attract a rich dude’s trophy wife and seduce her poolside.
  62. Be a very uniquely talented busker.
  63. Cuddle with a panther.
  64. Be in a mexican standoff.
  65. Survive a bullrush.
  66. Hang from a chandelier.
  67. Ride a giant banister and make it an Olympic sport.
  68. Trash an entire mansion.
  69. Host a jib comp in a shopping mall.
  70. Host my own real murder mystery.
  71. Shit my pants out of sheer excitement.
  72. Learn how to speak jive.
  73. Tell Samual Jackson to go fuck himself and live to tell the tale.
  74. Beat Kevin Spacey in a chess match.
  75. Get lost in a jungle with a damsel in distress, get really high in an abandonned warplane, and slay a snake with my machette just like Michael Douglas in Romance in the Stone.
  76. Save a species from Extinction.
  77. Run my own INconvenience store.
  78. Play hide and seek using the planet as the playing field.
  79. Drown Donald Trump in his own toupee.
  80. Live in a giant lair and have meetings with my evil executives.
  81. Make a pill that cures ignorance.
  82. Lean. Literally LEAN on a car horn for a significantly prolonged amount of time at some douchebag who pulled a dick move on the road
  83. Sway a hooker into having sexual intercourse at her own will for no reimbursement.
  84. Get my “wings” and then consider handing them in because I’m too close to the edge.
  85. Break the habit of looking into the toilet after I poop. – I mean I know it’s great to check up on how your eating habits affect your health but… what if you compiled all the images from birth and remembered them with intricate detail?
  86. Have sex while wearing a wig or costume.
  87. Race someone in reverse.
  88. Drunk drive an elephant.
  89. Win a slush cup.
  90. Have sex to a barry white album.
  91. Go to ludicrous speed.
  92. Survive jurassic park
  93. Be on a first name basis with david attenborough
  94. See a wild polar bear before it goes extinct
  95. Skateboard a vehicle
  96. Ride the worlds largest slip and slide
  97. Be the dos equis man
  98. Show up to a really great party in a ride-on lawn mower
  99. Headbang to james maynard keenan until I’m concussed
  100. Put all the bibles in the fiction section of chapters
  101. Hoist a jolly roger at a funeral
  102. Catch a frisbee with my teeth
  103. Watch a porno like its a sports game
  104. Go to ludicrous speed
  105. Win a Trundling contest.
  106. Fish the salmon run
  107. Aquadump my way to fecal success
  108. Sell atheism to a door-to-door jehova’s witness
  109. Ride the north shore
  110. Drive every highway of bc
  111. Experience symbiosis – symbiosis IS altruism!
  112. Have a room full or matresses beside an outdoor deck balcony
  113. Throw a bottle of moonshine at a lava slide
  114. Watch the spaceshuttle take off
  115. Be a parkour master
  116. Be out cold
  117. Watch robin williams live
  118. Catch a ball at an NBA game
  119. Shoot full auto wearing a beer helmet while smokin a doobie
  120. Lie in bed ALL day with my girlfriend
  121. Own an island
  122. Understand the song “scared” by the tragically hip.
  123. Figure out what the hell noell gallagher is saying
  124. Send a piece of technology to the past
  125. Drink wine with Oprah
  126. Conduct business whilst late night lunging down a darkened side street
  127. Host a murder mystery
  128. Dutch oven the queen
  129. Drop something in a monkey cage and have a monkey give it back.
  130. Touch the point of no return
  131. Get knighted
  132. Be a venture communist
  133. Decorate a Palm Tree for christmas
  134. Be an extreme flutist
  135. Invent a new common condiment
  136. Design a heads up display for the human brain
  137. Poke a corpse with a stick
  138. Earn the prefix “hajji” to my name
  139. Earn enough notoreity to permit a potential murder to be deemed “assassination”
  140. Carry the weight of a dying mans last words
  141. Confuse as many ppl as I can with double negatives

Run someone over in a car to gain points.Of course none of these involve further education or the compilation of life skills, But it’d be fucking cool. So we’re 0.081% to 1000. Someday. Dream Big!


Kelsey Pollock:

  1. Have a star-trek themed wedding
  2. Party Naked with John Stamos
  3. Have a Pet Monkey
  4. Be a Swinger
  5. Give Michael Moore a Rimjob after a run.

Survive jurassic park

Be on a first name basis with david attenborough

See a wild polar bear before it goes extinct

Skateboard a vehicle

Ride the worlds largest slip and slide

Be the dos equis man

Show up to really great party in a ride-on lawn mower

Headbang to james maynard keenan until I’m concussed

Put all the bibles in the fiction section of chapters

Hoist a jolly roger at a funeral

Catch a frisbee with my teeth

Watch a porno like its a sports game

Go to ludicrous speed

3 Responses

  1. ellie

    hey dahmer you should check out the mtv show “the buried life.” its about four guys from uvic who come up with a list of 100 things they want to do before they die- essentially, things they want to get doing right now. examples include, sneak into the playboy mansion, play a game of basketball with president obama, make a toast at a stranger’s wedding, and help deliver a baby. for every goal they achieve, they also strive to help a strange achieve a wish. pretty cool show and you can get it free online. for the playboy mansion one, they dress up like oompa loompas and fit themselves into a huge cake. awesome.

    March 10, 2010 at 16:14

  2. Dahmer

    haha sounds like my kinda show! I’m defo checking that out. thanks!

    March 10, 2010 at 18:10

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    March 27, 2010 at 10:28

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