Artistic Footprint

Fuck if you’re looking for someone with no direction, I’m it. So instead I’ve set a few modest goals that I could complete in order to consider my life a success:

1. Paint a room-sized canvas
2. Eat a turducken
3. Tackle a yoga instructor at work
4. Talk in ass with Jim Carrey
5. Befriend a vicious wild animal
6. Redefine the word orgy
7. Live in a plaid canadian tuxedo
8. Be a kazoo master and play it before an audience of 30,000+
9. Put a tattoo of the entire royal family on my ass
10. Convince a monkey to be my accomplice in arms
11. Experience the pain of a brazilian wax
12. Become a jedi master
13. Win a staring contest with an ancient mongolian statue
14. Using a fake identity, become a member of the pussycat dolls and then assassinate all members
15. Invent a new punctuation mark
16. Defeat a mime at mimicking
17. Resolve a hostage takeover
18. Save the world from an alien invastion
19. Rescue a kitten from a tree with several attractive female onlookers
20. Catch my prey with my teeth
21. Crush Chuck Norris
22. Stop a heart and then restart it
23. Make a dish that makes people cry
24. Find an unseen colour
25. Go to outter space
26. Fart in a severely sobering moment in the international criminal court
27. Open a door with my mind
28. Defeat a sumo wrestler
29. Live life like Peter Griffin for a week
30. Punch George Bush in the face
31. Defeat John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever in a DanceOff
32. Make Jet Li shit his pants
33. Get in a HUGE dukes of Hazzard style bar brawl
34. Reenact the entire plot from Fear and Loathing
35. Have sex to an entire Barry White Album
36. Smack the reality in someone
37. Live in a trailer park
38. Have a politically incorrect, AND a moustach party
39. Be stupid enough in a bar to warrent being kicked out, eventhough they don’t have bouncers
40. Grow a Mullet
41. Become one with nature
42. Go to OUTTER space
43. circle the globe
44. Upper deck the entire house of my archnemesis
45. Spend a year in total solitude to understand the sound of silence
46. Find Myself
47. Touch the sky
48. Die Laughing.
49. Drive a 1968 Ford Mustang GT500 fastback on unregulated asphalt
50. Shoot the shit with Nelson Mandela
51. Beat 1960′s Clint Eastwood in a Quickdraw
52. Climb the peak of an unconquered mountain
53. Block a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris – I’m sure there’s a loophole somewhere in this legendary position chuck’s got
54. Buy the Queen a lapdance.
55. Be a mob boss with a pawn shop, restaurant, and /or fish market front.
56. Have my face on the million dollar bill.
57. Start my own religion. – seems to be a hot trend these days!
58. Survive a mass suicide.
59. Rejoice to the laughter of a small child.
60. Go to a hotel room and blow thousands on first-class room service
61. Using my yardworker’s physique, attract a rich dude’s trophy wife and seduce her poolside.
62. Be a very uniquely talented busker.
63. Cuddle with a panther.
64. Be in a mexican standoff.
65. Survive a bullrush.
66. Hang from a chandelier.
67. Ride a giant banister and make it an Olympic sport.
68. Trash an entire mansion.
69. Host a jib comp in a shopping mall.
70. Host my own real murder mystery.
71. Shit my pants out of sheer excitement.
72. Learn how to speak jive.
73. Tell Samual Jackson to go fuck himself and live to tell the tale.
74. Beat Kevin Spacey in a chess match.
75. Get lost in a jungle with a damsel in distress, get really high in an abandonned warplane, and slay a snake with my machette just like Michael Douglas in Romance in the Stone.
76. Save a species from Extinction.
77. Run my own INconvenience store.
78. Play hide and seek using the planet as the playing field.
79. Drown Donald Trump in his own toupee.
80. Live in a giant lair and have meetings with my evil executives.
81. Make a pill that cures ignorance.
82. Lean. Literally LEAN on a car horn for a significantly prolonged amount of time at some douchebag who pulled a dick move on the road
83. Sway a hooker into having sexual intercourse at her own will for no reimbursement.
84. Get my “wings” and then consider handing them in because I’m too close to the edge.
85. Break the habit of looking into the toilet after I poop. – I mean I know it’s great to check up on how your eating habits affect your health but… what if you compiled all the images from birth and remembered them with intricate detail?
86. Have sex while wearing a wig or costume.
87. Race someone in reverse.
88. Drunk drive an elephant.
89. Win a slush cup.
90. Have sex to a barry white album.
91. Go to ludicrous speed.
92. Survive jurassic park
93. Be on a first name basis with david attenborough
94. See a wild polar bear before it goes extinct
95. Skateboard a vehicle
96. Ride the worlds largest slip and slide
97. Be the dos equis man
98. Show up to a really great party in a ride-on lawn mower
99. Headbang to james maynard keenan until I’m concussed
100. Put all the bibles in the fiction section of chapters
101. Hoist a jolly roger at a funeral
102. Catch a frisbee with my teeth
103. Watch a porno like its a sports game
104. Go to ludicrous speed
105. Win a Trundling contest.
106. Fish the salmon run
107. Aquadump my way to fecal success
108. Sell atheism to a door-to-door jehova’s witness
109. Ride the north shore
110. Drive every highway of bc
111. Experience symbiosis – symbiosis IS altruism!
112. Have a room full or matresses beside an outdoor deck balcony
113. Throw a bottle of moonshine at a lava slide
114. Watch the spaceshuttle take off
115. Be a parkour master
116. Be out cold
117. Watch robin williams live
118. Catch a ball at an NBA game
119. Shoot full auto wearing a beer helmet while smokin a doobie
120. Lie in bed ALL day with my girlfriend
121. Own an island
122. Understand the song “scared” by the tragically hip.
123. Figure out what the hell noell gallagher is saying
124. Send a piece of technology to the past
125. Drink wine with Oprah
126. Conduct business whilst late night lunging down a darkened side street
127. Host a murder mystery
128. Dutch oven the queen
129. Drop something in a monkey cage and have a monkey give it back.
130. Touch the point of no return
131. Get knighted
132. Be a venture communist
133. Decorate a Palm Tree for christmas
134. Be an extreme flutist
135. Invent a new common condiment
136. Design a heads up display for the human brain
137. Poke a corpse with a stick
138. Earn the prefix “hajji” to my name
139. Earn enough notoreity to permit a potential murder to be deemed “assassination”
140. Carry the weight of a dying mans last words
141. Confuse as many ppl as I can with double negatives

Run someone over in a car to gain points.Of course none of these involve further education or the compilation of life skills, But it’d be fucking cool. So we’re 0.081% to 1000. Someday. Dream Big!

Donations:

Kelsey Pollock:

1. Have a star-trek themed wedding
2. Party Naked with John Stamos
3. Have a Pet Monkey
4. Be a Swinger
5. Give Michael Moore a Rimjob after a run.