Artistic Footprint

There seems to be a clash between the public and private sectors of the western world. Clearly there is a history of Communist bashing,  but there are a few interesting omissions.

The US foreign policy has found a way to make money and generate markets for the “oh so very rich” to invest in, using public tax dollars to front the cash.

To go to war, you need a good few essentials. Soldiers, Weapons, Armour, and constructed bases. Oh yea and a reason to go too. But that’s not really that important. Traditionally, you’d assume that a few of these were bought and paid for by the US government using tax dollars – to assume that YES, your citizens DO want to go to war for a cause and are willing to pay for it.

Recently (and I mean like for the last 40 years or so) These machines of war have moved out of the public sector and into the private sector. Specifically boots on the ground and “defense contractors.” Dick Cheney, former US V.P. was the CEO of Halliburton, an oilfield production company headquartered in Texas. Halliburton received special treatment for the bid to supply infrastructure and oil to the Iraq war in 2003.

Blackwater, a private security firm, was hired as a defence contractor to work in Iraq. No longer were there men going to war because they wanted to and believed in the cause (which is another thing altogether, see this), but because they would be getting paid the big bucks to do so. Now gung-ho, stone cold, cocky killing machines were let to run rampant in Iraq. These “armed employees” of blackwater are considered by the company to be “armed independant contractors” which doesn’t sound particularily disciplined. (imagine being an Iraqi militant fighting for your life because of what you belive in, and some asshole tactician with a “modified for death” M-16 with greasy tattoos comes around and shoots you in the gut and screams “HOOAAA!”)

But that’s beside the point. What’s happening here is the U.S. government is creating wealth by hiring defense contractors, which cost a shitload more, to do their fighting and buiding and reconstructing and infrastructure. This uses tax-payer dollars to foot the contracting bill in order to pay for mercenaries and elaborate military bases.

There are Four things wrong with this that I see:

Number One: Honour. The most impactful difference between a paid individual and a volunteer is that the person volunteering (i.e. a “G-I” or serviceman) does their job with passion and honour because they work for a cause that they believe in, and feel proud to have made a difference. They bear their nations flag and are willing to die for the rights and freedoms of their families. First of all, I think it is outright disgusting that someone could tamper with that person and make them believe in a cause that doesn’t really exist where their lives are at risk, but secondly, someone who gets paid doesn’t give a flying fuck who they kill where or why, so long as they get paid. Cash for blood. The difference is that the volunteer will ensure a job well done because they actually WANT it that way. Paid employees only work as hard as their wage and only do what they’re told to keep their job.

Number Two: Reciprocation. We all know about the gap between rich and poor, and how it’s extremely top-heavy. But have you ever thought that you might have inadvertently INVESTED in your own problems? As a unit, the United States taxpayer made the call, went to war, and paid for it. Whether that’s what actually happened or not, it’s what is supposed to happen, and it’s how the rest of the world sees it. The issue is that the people who organized this little party decided to pay top dollar for everything and just sent the bill home. As opposed to using the traditional system, defense contractors made money. These people PLAN on war. Aeronautical industries like Lockheed, or Arms manufacturers like Colt, NEED war in order to make money.  These of course are just a few. weapons are just a teeny bit of what is needed to make war. Just so happens that there is a trend between politicians and defence contractors, and a country hell-bent on violence.

Number Three: “Security Contractors” is an edited definition for “mercenary.” Men who are paid employees of evil corporations like Blackwater who make dollars from bullets. They inherently care nothing for who they kill where or why, But simply to go on a military vacation and blow up shit. But that is nothing in comparison to the damage they do to their former soldier pals. The unregulated, cocky, overconfident and totally ignorant actions of these mercenaries has devastating effects on the servicemen of their country, who then must retaliate for their mistakes and clean up the mess they make. If you are a mercenary reading this, then FUCK YOU.

Number Four: Iraqis are a very passionate people, whether or not their beliefs are terrible or not, they view westerners as perverted, undisciplined, and gluttonous people. They hate our guts and the fact that we are on their soil is nothing short of total insult. Furthermore, we had no right to be there in the first place, but somehow snuck in with lies and misinformation. We barge into their homes in the night and steal their husbands and grandfathers, for years of inhuman torture with no conviction. One anonymous superior officer at the prison stated: “If I were treated that way, I’d be a terrorist.” We use “smart” bombs to take out whole buildings with the hopes that intelligence was right and yes there was one guy we wanted in there. Again even further, we are literally assimilating them into this perceived perfect world of a free democracy. While that is clearly an option for growth and stability, it is a cheap trick to signify an altruistic intent which we are all too familiar with. Our motives for this change is so that we can “trade/steal” their precious oil reserves, to wipe their country clean in order to exploit and mold it how we see fit.

But then what? what do the citizens get for their money? Surely not better healthcare or an improved education system. International security? think again. Anti-american sentiment is only growing from the inside out. Freedom? actually Bush completely obliterated Habeus Corpus with the new patriot act, which means that you could literally have done NOTHING wrong, and be plucked off your feet never to be seen again. Interrogated, tortured, “disappeared” or killed. And not have a legal right to see the evidence against you. Your families would post “missing” ads in the local grocery store.

My question is this: When you go to renovate your home or buy a used vehicle or something… you make a sound decision, right? you hire the right people, you watch what they do, you get fucking receipts. When you want WAR (which no one should want) you hire your countrymen, you understand the cause, you treat your enemies with honour and your wounded with compassion, and you see the results. When was the last time that happened?

How does one build an opinion without being termed “abrasive?” 10 bucks says there’s a person out there with the exact opposite opinion than you. How do you make yourself heard without making an ass of yourself? Do you cite more sources to prove a higher level of credibility, do you boast statements based on your educational background or applicable expertise? how does THAT INvalidate another’s perspective?

Well lets ask a more valuable question: would you appreciate the world more if EVERYONE believed the same as you?

isn’t that boring?

perhaps it’s more of a case of tolerance for culture and contrast vs. uniformity and direction.

I’m speaking of course of the religious vs. science sector. There are religious extremists that claim gays are inuman and radical thinking is punishable by a higher being. Just as there are people that believe that religion is sacking the human resolve to find true answers.

I for one agree with the atheist sector, but am trying to validate the motives of religion, which is ancient and itself quite evolutionary, if you will.

sensationalists and fanatics aside, the point is “the endless pursuit of truth”

the creationists believe in many or one deity, with a path for which everyone to follow, and every inch and second was planned and executed by that higher being.

the scientists believe in a logical sequence of numeric and definable situations that can be altered by ones environment, based on the accuracy and precision of an experiment.

For me, the turning point that makes me an atheist is this:

The religious system is based on ancient writings, providing
concessions for modern scientific advancement. a rulebook based on fate
and innevitability. The idea that “faith” is a sensational feeling of comfort and trust.
The scientific system is based on human judgement relative to experience and proof. It is
aware of its faults and compensates with debate and contemplation. it is
an evolving textbook based on wise credibility, welcoming disproving
evidence, should it be found. The idea that your “calculations” will provide you with the probability of success or failure.

“Religion is flawed only because man is flawed”

So I decided to counterract the comical pessimism (or Juvenalian satire for you linguists) with this here List of 1000 Awesome Things.

I must admit that I feel quite uncomfortable with this conformity to the norm, but know this: the interesting thing I noticed in writing the Shitty things and Awesome things is that I was happy doing both. I laughed to myself as I noticed the bad as well as the good, and in doing so it seemed important to verbalize each point to recognize it’s importance.

Without further ado, here it is (in no particular order):

1. Getting drunk before a flight.
2. Having a beer in the shower.
3. Beer in general.
4. Popping bubble wrap.
5. Killing a pesky bug.
6. Waking up in a pool of drool.
7. Snowboarding.
8. Sex.
9. Lucid Dreams.
10. Hanging out with people that let you be yourself.
11. Big Dumps (powder snow)
12. Lying in a heap of clothes that just came out of the dryer.
13. Hammering nails into wood.
14. The smell of cedar.
15. Thunderstorms
16. Heavy Rain
17. Campfires.
18. Thai Food.
19. Mountaintops.
20. Ice cold water when you’re really thirsty.
21. Jumping into water at the perfect temperature.
22. Going over hills really fast.
23. Being on a flight and having 3 seats to yourself (only happened to me once)
24. Really good fucking guitar solos.
25. Flying in little airplanes.
26. Being so fucking happy that you feel giddy inside.
27. The tired and tingly feeling you get after a long hard day of work.
28. Breaking conversation to listen to a good part of a song.
29. Chuck Norris.
30. drinking and painting.
31. When you know someone loves you but they never say it.
32. When you know your life will never fail because a good friend won’t let that happen.
33. The feel of a PINT glass in your hand.
34. Lesbians.
35. Watchin the game and drinkin Beers.
36. Having a skilled Wingman.
37. Waking up in the morning beside a REALLY awesome chick.
38. Taking a sick day.
39. Watching everyone else go to work while you are out having fun.
40. Intimidating high school bratty kids.
41. Pipe Cleaners.
42. Windchimes.
43. Dogs.
44. Sex in the morning.
45. A self-induced, spontaneous laugh.
46. Hockey Night in Canada.
47. Ted.com.
48. Picking out a Huge Booger.
49. Egg Nog.
50. Pull through parking spots.
51. Farting when no one else is around.
52. The feel of a cold beer on ice in your hand.
53. Working on your car or anything mechanical.
54. Snow.
55. Catching someone picking their nose.
56. Moustaches
57. Turning up the volume on Van Halen.
58. Top Gun.
59. Huge unnecessary explosions in action movies.
60. Getting mail you actually want!
61. Cars with character.
62. Sex in hotel rooms.
63. Parties in hotel rooms.
64. Hour showers in hotel rooms.
65. Any hot tub in a mountain village.
66. Being an English speaking white male.
67. Being in the fucking zone.
68. Crazy drunken stories.
69. Fulfilling a stereotype that you do not posess.
70. Beer from the east.
71. Porn (including snowboard, biking, and surfing videos)
72. Being drunk enough to beat any fucker at pool.
73. Rebecca Romain Stamos.
74. Kate Bosworth
75. Kate Beckinsale.
76. Rachel McAdams.
77. Getting that picture that you know no-one else can get.
78. Street meet and pizza.
79. Shredding the Gnar.
80. Beer and Steak.
81. Massages.
82. Chicks that shred.
83. Watching people walk home with bags of shit tickets under their arms.
84. Drunken Irish dancing with friends.
85. Leashless dog parks.
86. Warm Cookies.
87. Garlic.
88. Scaring little children.
89. Hockey highlights.
90. Closing out a bar.
91. Fresh baked bread.
92. Having a trusty steed.
93. Laughing till you cry.
94. 24s of bottled buck-a-beer.
95. Buying Beer in Ontario.
96. Surf n’ Turf.
97. Mullets.
98. Women with Mullets.
99. Bob and Doug Mackenzie.
100. Fresh Asphalt.
101. Bacon.
102. Spooning.
103. Thwarting Someone’s evil Scheme.
104. Being on the Fucking Ball.
105. Switching from stinky board boots to cool, fresh skateshoes.
106. Shooting the moon in hearts.
107. Samuel Jackson, Bruce Willis, and Bennicio Del Torro.
108. Shorthanded goals.
109. Tumbleweeds.
110. Scars.
111. Calling in sick the day after st, Paddy’s day.
112. Cooking a chicken with a beer can shoved up its ass.
113. Getting paid to shit, eat, or sleep.
114. Drive-in Movie theatres.
115. Wiping snot on the thumb of your glove.
116. Peanut butter and Chocolate.
117. Watching birds walk.
118. Cans of beer that say 8 pack right on the rim.
119. Sleeping in the sun with your hat over your face.
120. Taking the Stairs.
121. Sittin in the back of the bus.
122. Chicks that drive jeeps.
123. Snatching free wireless.
124. Getting in a car through a window.
125. The feel of new shoes.
126. home-cooked meals from mom.
127. A Pile of shoes in the doorway of a really great party.
128. Wreck Beach in Vancouver.
129. The Royal Tyrell Museum in Drumheller, Ab.
130. Having your beer cooled by Mother Earth.
131. Pulling into a crowded place as cliche as possible.
132. Restaurants that require an intricate procedure to order the best menu item.
133. Fireflies.
134. Chinese fire drills.
135. Muffin tops.
136. Skipping school.
137. Finding things you’ve been looking for, for a long time.
138. glitches in the english language that require you to repeat the last word you wrote (see above)
139. Beer league.
140. Moomoos.
141. Whoopi Cushions.
142. Reading through an old birthday card and finding 20 bucks.
143. Getting to leave school for any reason including being sick.
144. A real successful hand-fart
145. Giving a dynamite bum or dutch ovening someone.
146. Hairnation rock.
147. Being cozy and warm in a cold and wet place.
148. Cops that let you off the hook.
149. Vengeance.
150. Old people that still make out.
151. Roadtrips.
152. Taking flowers from a first-date’s garden and then pretending you went to the effort of buying them yourself.
153. Moms and Grandmas that go to their kids’ gigs.
154. Asserting dominance with flatulence.
155. TSN top 10
156. Red green
157. Forts and treehouses
158. Skicutting your own avalanche
159. Medieval times
160. The sound of ice cubes in a glass or a glass filling up
161. Anything with bbc and david attenborough
162. Driving barefoot
163. Kristen bell
164. Soundtracks to a massacre
165. Resting up after some great first aid
166. Watching thunderstorms
167. A real pint glass
168. Patio lanterns
169. Going straight to the front of the line of douchebag tourists at a bar you’re a local at
170. Drinking beer while cooking
171. Going for ice cream
172. Sex in cars
173. Hammocks
174. Sunroofs
175. Trailerpark drama
176. Community gardens
177. T-tops, muscle cars, el caminos
178. Eatin dinner on the front porch
179. Climbing trees
180. Kool aid
181. Barack Obama
182. Good old fashioned vandalism
183. Steven colbert; if you’re smart enough to not believe anything he says
184. Washing puppies
185. Ellen page
186. Forest service roads
187. Holy shit handles
188. Evan rachel wood
189. Grilled cheese with REAL cheese
190. Kick me signs
191. Pilly cubes
192. Finding a great spot to pop your bottle on a table
193. Playin it sandlot style
194. Acoustic Guitar in a thunderstorm
     

What makes YOU feel good?

What is so wrong about 6 billion people having a perspective in world issues? Some say it is the idea that these opinions are where wars steep and brew. Genocides, highly motivated terrorism, religious wars. All examples of thousands of people fighting for ONE cause. I have been told that 6 billion opinionated people would be mortal suicide due to the amount of conflict simply by matter of consistency. I disagree. People following ideas of the masses, brainwashed into what is “right”, is what causes conflict. People who have their own evolved ideas would be more likely to debate amongst themselves than turn to arms. I truly believe that people who log their life experiences together to create their completely unique opinion will, of course, technically disagree with everyone else on some scale, But because of their uniqueness, the debate would simply be an exchange of information, to further expand their perspective rather than calling everyone else “wrong” and picking up a gun.

Let me just stress the point here that you don’t have to be educated to have perspective and intellect. But you are living in a world where you now exposed to a large amount of a wide spectrum of information every day. You must see things that you know will affect you. Changes in your marketplace should adjust how you predict your career structure, watching industries evolve can give you a feel for where things are going. Is the world expanding or contracting? are you working with more foreign people? why is our economy changing? who’s going to be in power? how can I make myself heard? These are all examples of you having an opinion. And if you noticed, YOU came up with it yourself! you didn’t get it from reality TV or corrupt news networks, or political lies. Your brain came up with these questions and answers as a survival tool to make yourself successful in the new human life system. It’s time you verbalized it and shared it with a friend. Don’t ever be discouraged to express your ideas. I enjoy testing out the limits of some people, to see how far they’d go to disprove me, so that I could learn from their ideas. “Devils Advocate” they call it. And for those of you more educated folk, PLEASE PLEASE don’t discourage us blue collars. Its better that these people care about the subtle parts of their lives than just continue on as a robot believing mass-media.

Consider two worlds, both with the population of 1 million. On planet 1, there are about 10 different communities, all with contrasting beliefs based on religion, science, politics, and economy. On planet 2, the same number of people have split into 1000 communities, again with contrasting beliefs. Both are bound to bash heads together at some point. The question is; which planet is more likely to resolve their differences diplomatically, and which one violently?

Whats happened here on Earth is that people have generalized themselves with ignorance, and given the job of confrontation to someone else so that they can live their lives conflict-free. I think this idea goes hand in hand with my concept of community. We already know that things like the International Criminal Court, NATO, and the UN, and even democracy are… quite literally jokes. I believe it’s because humans hit their threshold of governance, or span of control, long ago. People are far too complex to be controlled by a limited few. Read my next article, titled “Community“

What is Photography to me? Photography is getting up at ungodly hours to photograph a sunsirse or waiting on a mountaintop for a date with the moon. It is risking a step off the cliff for that other angle. It is the long hike to the top just to see what’s there. Photography to me is something that drives me to get up and see something. I have met many photographers who are like me, and who are completely different from me, but in their midst, I remember listening to them and hearing: “Hey, isn’t that an awesome shade of green in those trees?” or “the lens works a lot like a mechanical eye.”
I can’t really say how I picked up Photography. It happened while I was out with my Friends Kai and Lachlan, and I was using an obsolete sony point and shoot. Times haven’t changed much, I still only shoot with a modest camera, But I have learned amazing amounts of things along the way to produce my favourite shots.
I believe the true magic of my photography is that I bring a unique style, and that is what drives the contrast, colour, warmth, texture, and mood of a photo, to capture the awestrucken feeling of a  collossal panorama or to find the enthralling beauty and complexity in the expression on a dragonfly’s face. I sincerely feel for the picture I have captured. it can make me feel small in such an epic world, comfortable in the warmth of a sunset, mutual respect for a wild beast, or empathy for a small insect carrying out it’s business.
My goal is that you as well will feel something when you take a look at these photos. Perhaps a different feeling than mine, but if you find any sort of meaning in a photo like I have, I believe that connection from my eye to yours is the true art.

Click Here to View Photos

I am not here to press you into changing your views. In fact I welcome your challenges. This is just what it’s like for me.

Why do we have religion in the first place? Could it be because humans fear what they do not know and at the peak of our belittlement, fabricate answers? Could it be that we believe the Earth was made for us, and the only explanation was the prophecy of some huge example of ourselves had built it for us? What’s happening now, is that the world isn’t so big anymore. We can fly around it, rocket above it, and our endlessly footnoted studies bring a true understanding of our home. We realise now that we are not the only species to reside here. So I believe it’s only natural for me to completely abolish my inherited lack of interest in religion, and create my own personalized view of life.

When I was a kid, I never really knew the difference between religions, nor that I even was religious. I just knew that there was someone to answer to for my actions on some sort of judgement day, which I later realised was a paradox because… well how could I be responsible for my actions, if everything was just fate anyways? That was my first smidgen of speculation. Naturally I started asking more questions, which were simply answered by atheism, which of course sounds like a religion in itself, but literally means “lack of” (a) “religion” (theism). Suddenly the thought of a man in the sky, who is abhorrently jealous and resembles more of a kid with a magnifying glass, seemed illogical. They say you feel an emptiness inside of you if you don’t have a God, and it needs to be filled as if it were an organ in the body. I do believe that’s right. The ominous thought that this is your one chance at life. There’s nothing else. When you’re gone its like you were never here. All that effort, pain, beauty, accomplishment, experience… was nothing. That is the hole for me. But in its stead, I was given a new set of eyes to view the world. I could think for myself. I could ask my own questions and find the answers. I immediately understood that we are not more important than any other species, that we are responsible for our actions, and the footprint on our home is growing.

I am told that Atheists have no morals, and live selfishly by the seat of our pants. But I can tell you that morals do not come from tablets or mystical consequences. If I make mistakes, I don’t wait until I die to be boiled in oil for all eternity. I deal with my consequences immediately after the fact. I am mature and responsible enough to predict the results of my actions. And as for selfishness – everyone must be selfish in order to survive, and that has nothing to do with religion. You have needs and you will do what is necessary to get them, including being nice and altruistic. The real selflessness comes from crossing the risk-benefit line for of love and heroism.

The funny thing is that religion in itself is usually pretty peaceful and nice. Its a powerful way to turn a population into a civilization. The problem is that a majority of these people have misconstrued creativity into a fear tactic, swelling with jealousy, hatred, and violence. Different definitions of life are not consoling their contrasting beliefs, they’re mashing the scripted inconsistencies with genocide, war, and suffering. These two highs and lows simply create an unacceptable and immature catch-22. You listen to the instructions from god to be faithful and peaceful, and you will prosper. But at the same time, the extremists of these beliefs concentrate on the fine print detailing those who violate their totalitarian book. People who have never even heard of this ancient storybook are enemies waiting to be slaughtered or assimilated. That to me is illogical as well. To me these things are not worth the ten commandments or spiritual stability.

Here’s what is logical to me: Humans have 5 senses that we know of, with which to interact with planet Earth. Our natural tendency to ponder has led us to ask the right questions and attempt to answer them, to satisfy all of these senses. Anything we can’t explain, we put in the “to-do” box. But those we are able to define using a unanimous system of hypothesis, observations, and conclusion, are considered Proven. But the greatest thing about discovery is that every person on the planet has the right to disprove it. You think the Earth is flat? give me enough fact and proof, and I’ll believe you, because that is logical. There is no ancient storybook that must be followed to the T. Your controversial results won’t slap you on the wrist or burn you at the stake. Even if you’re entirely wrong, your attempt will be embraced and you will have likely found the answer to a question not yet asked. The Achilles-heel of the scientific resolve is that it cannot disprove god. If you turned the question “is there a god” into a scientific analysis, it wouldn’t get past the hypothesis. There are no studies to carry out or a rock we could overturn, and this is only an example of our unrelenting resolve for truth.

I think life is far too complicated for one answer to define it. I think there are many many options, and that they all tie in to the truth. We just don’t see wide enough or live long enough to put all the pieces together, and this concept of a man in the sky was invented by us to satisfy our craving for an answer to the meaning of life.

But life is not always so logical and systematic to me. Spirituality is not defined by faith, you can still be spiritual towards your surroundings. Understanding that I am one small collection of atoms and cells on a giant rock in a giant vacuum doesn’t scare me or overwhelm me. I often sit back and stare at the stars and wonder about all the questions that haven’t been asked, and what their answers might bring us. I gain an appreciation for the curiosity of the human mind and it’s true power. I understand the use of a substance for inspiration, as it gives us an alternate reality, an outside the box playing field.

There is a difference between not giving a fuck and being Atheist. Being atheist is awareness and loneliness. We understand that when you die, so does our memory. We Atheists are so rare and far between that we cannot discuss with these fears with each other. The religious are lucky enough to have synagogues and churches to have mass, confess, seek advice and sanctuary. Atheists naturally must look at the world as though they are almost completely alone. The world is less than 3% Atheist, and 11% couldn’t-give-a-shit-less. Is that number growing or falling? are the concepts of Atheism inherently detrimental to our existence? Are we likely to go extinct? What I am trying to do here is make my friends aware that we exist, to accept and congratulate my fellow evolutionists, to tie Atheism in with unified sustainability, to call people out of their care-free lives of “I don’t know” and increase our numbers, and most importantly, to host constructive and peaceful gatherings to make our mark and show the world that we mean no harm. The beauty of Atheism is that we could not involve ourselves in a war on religion. Religious wars are too caught up in old vengeance and hatred. Atheists have no vengeance and have no ancient roots of godly assassination. We accept diversity because it is logically necessary to be different. I truly believe that Religious extremists would be left scratching their heads if they were asked why they would want us vanquished. They might say that they were carrying out god’s will, but I only ask of them… Let your god smite me himself. Your brutality would make no example.

I find religion is something merely bound between two hardcovers, and is so introverted that it leaves a bad taste. It assumes that humans need a higher deity to make or break us, to tell us what to do, and tell us what is right, like we are those ants marching in one direction. It makes us pretend to be good, as if we’re fooling this all-powerful father in order to admit us into a world of lavishing comfort and endless fertility. A selfish hope of a second chance at life because our first one wasn’t good enough.

I am tired with people living life as if none of this matters. From sunup to sunup they live in the bliss of ignorance and don’t see the horrible things we do to eachother in the name of a god. At the same time I envy their bliss. For me I live a life of logical worry. We cannot survive if we govern ourselves with such primitive selfish tales, and it haunts me to the brink of awkward preparedness. Religion has infected the very roots of our trades and the power of our politics, all in the name of a falsified being, the wrong answer to our questions.

This is my response to reading the website for the upcoming book: “1000 Awesome Things” which you can locate here: http://1000awesomethings.com/

Well I have something to say to you, Mr. Author whoever the hell you are. There is NO need for your optimism here. People don’t need your sunshine smeared across their upper lip. Now go take your smiles elsewhere!

And thus, the creation of “1000 shitty things” where I list a thousand shitty things that can happen. I have no fucking idea how I’m going to find a thousand, but trust me. They’re out there. Feel free to lend a hand. And remember: PESSIMISM MEANS YOU’LL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED!

1. The feeling you get the day before you get a sore throat.
2. shitting your pants.
3. walking around in a store and feeling like all the staff think you’re a theif.
4. nightmares about missed exams.
5. being dumped.
6. being dumped on.
7. the constant reminder that there’s a a hole in your shoe and you step in a puddle.
8. hangnails.
9. ripping awesome pants.
10. biting your tongue.
11. burning your tongue.
12. hearing an ugly word.
13. talking to people when you don’t care about what they’re saying.
14. when an old person thinks they’re better than you just because they’re old.
15. George Bush.
16. reading someones writing and they can’t spell.
17. when someone steals your idea.
18. missing the bus.
19. making awesome plans outdoors and then the weather fucks with you.
20. being in traffic.
21. Every newscaster or anchorman that ever lived. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE WITH YOURSELVES?!?!
22. when your dog dies.
23. missing an opportunity for a first kiss.
24. when someone you like is taken.
25. when your computer freezes and you haven’t saved your work.
26. when your teacher cries AGAIN during her 50th reading of the last chapter of To Kill a Mockingbird.
27. People who say “like” a lot.
28. people who get everything they want.
29. clogging a toilet.
30. when you have to redo work.
31. getting fired.
32. being hung over.
33. crashing your car.
34. Sarah Palin.
35. Any US president.
36. taxes.
37. losing cash.
38. waiting in line to get into a bar.
39. being forced to tip at a bar.
40. when someone wants to fight you because they took too much testosterone supplements.
41. dudes who work out but have no use for their imbalanced muscles.
42. when you eat shit and ragdoll infront of a crowd.
43. Lindsay Lohan.
44. Pop music.
45. Parasuco / Ed Hardy.
46. Paris Hilton.
47. Reality TV.
48. McDonalds
49. commercials and advertisements.
50. brussel sprouts and asparagus.
51. people who owe you money.
52. douchebags.
53. religious fanatics.
54. when you accidentally kill someone.
55. video game addictions.
56. Wal-mart
57. losing your phone.
58. when your headphones stop working.
59. losing cash.
60. when someone forgets that they made plans to hang out with you.
61. playing the “are you interested in me” game
62. stubbing your toe.
63. getting a papercut.
64. when you wonder how someone got an awesome promotion.
65. waiting at red lights at 3am and no one is around.
66. turning homeless people away.
67. leaving the dog in the car.
68. car mechanics.
69. cell phone bills.
70. when you buy something from a company you hate (especially if you didn’t know it!)
71. Donald Trump.
72. forgetting a really good thought (literally just happened to me)
73. people who drive with their highbeams on, OR went out and bought super bright LED argon-zenon 1-billion candle-power headlights.
74. Cough syrup.
75. Getting a box of chocolates and eating a surprise I HATE YOU taste.
76. Sharting (kinda related to shitting your pants, but kinda like you can still walk around and be a member of the party… but with a turd between your buttcheeks)
77. Douchebags who blast beats in their ricer car.
78. Dudes with useless big trucks.
79. Slow or ignorant drivers.
80. Diahrrea.
81. People who have studded tires and drive in the city.
82. Bluetooth headsets that make it look like people are talking to themselves.
83. Coldsores.
84. Cleaning up after a big party.
85. Thinking something is heavier than it is and when attempting to pick it up, you hit yourself in the face.
86. Losing things that take forever to find.
87. Burnt food.
88. Not seeing optical illusions.
89. Missing your exit.
90. An itch where you can’t scratch it.
91. Hating the way you look.
92. Being really really cold.
93. When you’re in the shower and someone flushes the toilet.
94. When your tent floods in the rain.
95. When someone won’t leave you alone.
96. Getting your toenail caught in a thread of your sock.
97. Being at a party where no one knows anybody.
98. A good song turned sour because of a bad memory with an ex.
99. mosquitos.
100. shitty restaurant service and food.
101. food poisoning.
102. Spilling your Beer.
103. Buying shit that you hate immediately.
104. Running out of shit-tickets.
105. Mosquitos.
106. Shitty restaurant experiences.
107. Food Poisoning.
108. Diarrhea.
109. Telemarketters.
110. When a song comes on that’s a thousand times louder than the rest of your library and you think you may have broken your eardrums.
111. Raisins.
112. When your TV doesn’t have the same amount of buttons as your remote, and your remote doesn’t work.
113. Working at a place where they play repetetive shitty music. Especially at christmas.
114. Leeches.
115. Golf.
116. Tiger Woods.
117. Going to the department of what-the-fuck-ever to get a new health card, drivers licence, passport, etc.
118. The Toyota Echo.
119. The Pontiac Aztec.
120. The PT Cruiser.
121. Douchebags with loud mufflers (car or motorbike)
122. People who cut the tails off dogs. (that’s fucking RETARDED! tails MAKE dogs.)
123. Dog Shows.
124. Douchebags who work out for their looks and spend the entire time looking at themselves in the mirror at the gym.
125. Every telecommunications company known to man.
126. The stupid sheeths that come with hardcover books.
127. Automated phone menus.
128. Being on hold for fucked up amounts of time.
129. Tabloids, paparazzi, and people who concern themselves with such things.
130. Cafe food – starbucks, bean, tim hortons included!
131. Zits.
132. Loudmouthed bratty whiney snot-faced little shit kids who get whatever they want and whose screams RIP through the air with abhorrent selfishness.
133. Jagerbombs.
134. Nascar.
135. People that are so fucking happy that they don’t understand that sometimes you WANT to be mad.
136. Bouncers.
137. Metrosexuals.
138. Parents who don’t answer their kids’ questions.
139. Suburbia and the Urban Sprawl.
140. People who have better gear than you but don’t know how to use it. “All the Gear and no Idear”
141. Monster Truck Commentators.
142. KFC and Dairy Queen.
143. Stepping in Dog shit.
144. Getting Dog shit on your tires.
145. Cars that don’t have an AUX input – eventhough when you buy a car you should buy it because it’s a freaking CAR, not a stereo on wheels.
146. People that use freak when they mean fuck.
147. Listening to people eat.
148. Most cats.
149. That little flowerpot in the volkswagen bug.
150. The volkswagon bug.
151. Fruit pastries that have suprise chunks of real fruit in them.
152. Getting popcorn stuck in your teeth.
153. Splinters and papercuts.
154. Hearing an ugly word.
155. Cankersores.
156. Really really obese people.
157. Feeling shitty about not giving to homeless people.
158. Twitter.
159. When the staff at Cafes play really fucking weird music.
160. Ipod hogs at a party.
161. People who make finger-signs in candid photos.
162. Missing a sneeze.
163. Shitty service.
164. Having to scratch your ass in public and having to search for endlessly for a hidden corner.
165. Keeners.
166. People who dedicate their lives to beating you at pool or foosball at a bar.
167. People who lick the corner of paper before handing it to you.
168. Having to take a shit. REAL fuckin bad.
169. Douchebags who never drink at a bar so that they can be the DD for drunk girls. (makes me want to puke)
170. UFC and MMA.
171. Oldschool christmas lights that have one or two broken lights in series.
172. Untangling a long stretch of rope.
173. When your shoelace comes untied. (how the fuck does that happen?)
174. Stubbing your toe.
175. Meryl Streep.
176. Tabloids and celebrity gossip.
177. Street cleaning machines.
178. People who don’t take care of their cars.
179. People who make a mess of bathrooms.
180. People who sport the confederate flag.
181. Suburbia and the Urban sprawl.
182. Skiers that ruin fresh pow with their stupid s-turns.
183. Bar washrooms on a busy night.
184. “dj”s that use laptops.
185. Kid rock.
186. Any and all pharmaceutical, telecommunications, and weaponry corporation.
187. People who put their kids on leashes.
188. Kids with no pain tolerance.
189. People with no life or street skills.
190. Speed bumps.
191. When your dog dies.
192. Puck bunnies.
193. Highschool jokeys.
194. Shopping malls.
195. Chicks that spend all their free time in shopping malls.
196. Green day, the pussycat dolls, hot hot heat.
197. Straight to DVD movies.
198. Dudes that slap your ass and then don’t say “good game”
199. People with HUGE fingernails, fake or real.
200. Being a kid and getting scared by big people.
201. Phone books.
202. The Olympics.
203. Douchebags with hot girlfriends.
204. Getting a hollow easter bunny. – what the fuck?
205. People who have albums upon albums of stupid fucking clubbing photos on facebook.
206. Telling a joke or story that is neither funny nor entertaining.
207. Vegans.
208. People who talk through movies and shows.
209. Border Guards.
210. People that can’t take a fucking joke.
211. Dropping the Ball.
212. Bottled Water.
213. Gettin yer truck stuck.
214. People that hang out infront of the bar for no reason while you’re trying to score some booze.
215. People who take too fucking long to lose at pool.
216. Lady Gaga.
217. Accidentally making eye contact with the brown eye/balloon knot or awkwardly exposed genetalia of a domesticated animal.
218. Knockout, Sudden Death, MMA, UFC, or any other commercialized bar fight.
219. Lenny Kravitz.
220. Potholes and washboard.
221. Speed traps.
     Store bought native art.
222. Dropping your ice cream.
223. Smoking.
224. Hockey players that lose their stick mid-play.
225. Easy Listening.
226. Parking Tickets.
227. Amanda Marshall
228. Eddy Murhpy’s reformed political correctness. What a sellout.
229. Saun Paul.
230. Moms that sanitize the lives of their offspring.
231. When the commercials are over and they cut back to your favourite show only to see the credits.
232. Lady Gaga.
233. Getting a surprise dribble after you pee.
234. Undisciplined or untrained dogs.
235. When you run out of ice cubes. Why don’t they make ice fast enough?
236. Leaving a fallen soldier behind.
237. Figuring out a bill and or tipping.
238. People who ask to borrow odd things like your toothbrush.
239. Dudes who trump shotgun for their girlfriends
240. When they price things like 5.99 or 15.95. ROUND THE FUCK UP
241. Elevator and Hold music
242. Karaoke
243. Bird shit.
244. Waiting for a store to open
245. Watching soccer and basketball players fake injuries.
246. Bad ref calls
247. Climate change.
248. Asking your parents for money.
249. Forgetting what you were looking for.
250. When you’re in the shower and someone flushes the toilet.
251. Getting stuff caught between your tooth and gum and exhausting your tongue trying to get it out.
252. Justin Bieber.
253. People who use their cell-phone cameras exclusively and think that the photo is awesome and they should print it out or send it in somewhere.
254. Hardcore bible-camps.
255. Getting splashback on the toilet.
256. Having to shit really bad at an extremely inconvenient time.
257. Pre-meditated one-liners.
258. When the socks fall down around your toes in your rubber boots.
259. Having nails too long.
260. Clogging a toilet.
261. When you write a big message or essay and then your thoughts DISAPPEAR when you press the wrong button or your computer crashes.
262. Bands that use a synthesizer to fill the place of what should be an instrument.
263. Double-flushing.
264. Bad teachers.
265. Spoiling a suprise.
266. Reacting to a surprise in a way that could be seen as negative.
267. Remembering past memories of how you handled things poorly or just… were an asshole.
268. realising you’re an asshole.
269. Being on the receiving end of a dynamite bum or dutch oven.
270. Watching someone train wreck themselves while public speaking.
271. Being that fucking trainwreck on stage
272. When the eraser on your pencil dies.
273. When your pen is full of ink but won’t write.
274. People that put their gum under tables.
275. People that spit their chew into clear water bottles for you to look at and grimace.
276. Daft punk when you’re NOT fucked up on acid (which is all the time)
277. When they drop prices of stuff by like 10 cents.
278. “New and improved! New look! Cellphone pockets RULE!”
279. Breaking a zipper or popping buttons.
280. Coin-operated binoculars.
281. Places that charge you to use things like gravity.
282. People that spell “tire” with a “y”
283. Eyeing up that last piece of bread or chip that everyone’s too polite to eat.
284. Restaurant party-favour washout musicians.
285. Flying solo.
286. Running out of shit tickets.
287. Being a sardine in a car on a really long roadtrip.
288. Getting car/sea-sick
289. “Ever played 52 pick-up?”
290. Oldschool remixes.
291. “Hey look at you! you’ve got your hands in the air” – just like the pop star told you to.
292. People that make a big deal and get stressed out over trivial things
293. Burning your tongue on the first bite of an awesome meal.
294. Bending your fingernail backwards.
295. When people say “former” or “latter” – what the fuck does that even MEAN???
296. Thinking of a comeback when its now out of context or too late.
297. Having something on the tip of your tongue.
298. People who steal things like cameras or wallets and don’t have the decency to leave you the memory card or I.D.
299. Forgetting what you wanted to say.
300. Realising that your list of shitty things is double than your list of awesome things.
301. Fox network
302. Meeting a chick that could take you out
303. Daytime tv
304. Broken headphone jacks
305. Paying for porn
306. Black licorice
307. Elijah wood
308. Pressing the TRY ME button on a cheap useless gift and it goes on and on forever
309. Pizza places that don’t open til 4
310. “Tonights gonna be a good night”
311. Not real hot springs
312. Herding cats
313. Neat freaks
314. People that message you on facebook when you’re right beside them
315. Wobbly restaurant tables
316. Richard gere
317. Subungeal hematomas
318. Double parking nazis
319. Appetizers, starters, and entrees. Wtf?
320. Ugly word: squelch
321. Losing your luggage
322. Black licorice candies that come with your restaurant bill.
323. Slow internet
324. People that give you a bag to put your bagged products in
325. The crumbs at the bottom of a chip or popcorn bag
326. Light beer
327. Junk mail
328. Old man strength
329. “Back to school”
330. When you or someone else leaves your ipod running for no reason and you come back to a dead battery
331. Forgetting a really awesome dream or having it interrupted
332. People that line up in inexcusably lon lines for shit like a new iphone.
333. Bird shit
334. Stripped or seized bolts
335. Paul bremer
336. Breaking a headphone jack
337. Being at the whims of someone else
338. Car alarms
339. Beatboxers
340. Wedgies
341. Shitting in public washrooms
342. Shitty restaurant happy birthday songs.
343. Laughtracks
344. People who put empty shit back in the fridge
345. Selective vegetarians
346. Losing
347. Wobbly tables
348. Walking into a department store themed with the upcoming holiday
349. Pre-ripped jeans
350. Health product “technology”
351. Places that ask for tips on their debit machines that never would deserve a tip
352. Dudes that show off naked pictures of their girlfriends
353. Missing your sneeze
354. Forgetting someones name
355. When your train of thought moves at a different speed to your actions
356. People that say “god bless you”
     

Ok so thats 355.  We’re gettin there! so TAKE THAT Mr. …. smileypants.

if you’ve managed to read this list without feeling depressed then well… mission failed, I hope your day is really shitty.

for the rest of you: leave a comment! which one is your favourite?! what’s a shitty thing that happened to YOU? it’s ok to cry. let it all out. gimme the story.

IF this is the exact opposite of what you wanted, you might be able to find my growing list of 1000 awesome things HERE: